i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Randomize
