I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
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