Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
meet me or not, i'm out of control
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
