i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
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