i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
