what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
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