Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Randomize
