dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize