I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Randomize
