The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
I can't turn off my feet"
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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