fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
