Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
We need to feng shui this bitch.
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