I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
