I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize
