it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
Randomize
