the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
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