I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Randomize
