i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
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