dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
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