just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Randomize
