they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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