wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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