I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
i'm at sigma nu and gary is here. what do it do?
Stay away from his face.
so i go for his dick?
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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