dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Randomize
