Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
