remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
