I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
