I think my fart just growled at me.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Randomize