I like to think it a success when the cops are called
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
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