It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Randomize
