Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I enjoy the company of your penis
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Randomize
