The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Randomize
