I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
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