he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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