If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize
