just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
