I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
