I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
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