I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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