he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
My ATM looks so different sober.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
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