1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
It's just like the Real World with babies
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
