i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
BRING THE BAGELS
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
