even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
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