do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
Randomize
