She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Randomize
