Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
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