bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
