I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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