getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
