Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Randomize
