Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
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