eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
