Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
