just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Randomize
