Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
