I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Where are you guys?
Drunk
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
