cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
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